It is perfectly normal to be upset when you feel excluded. Regardless of whether or not the exclusion was intentional, you might feel a mix of emotions including sadness, hurt, anger and annoyance. It is good to acknowledge these feelings in order to fully understand and process them.

Tip: take some time to ‘listen’ in and feel your emotions. Maybe you can label what you feel? Now tell yourself  that it is okay for you to feel this way. 

It is important to realise that social exclusion can be unintentional. Feeling excluded and actually being intentionally excluded are two different things and sometimes others genuinely do not realise that their actions have made you feel left out.

Tip: if faced with exclusion, you could try and tell the person how it made you feel. Next, ask for the reasons why they behaved the way they did. Often you will find that there are simple explanations for other people’s behaviours.

It is common to immediately assume the worst-case scenario when feeling socially excluded. You may catastrophise and come up with thoughts such as: ‘my friends no longer care about me’ or ‘no one wants to hang out with me’. This thought-pattern can prevent you from thinking about more reasonable explanations for why others might have treated you a certain way.

Tip: write down the catastrophising thoughts you might experience after being excluded from something. Next to them try and write down any actual evidence you have to support these thoughts. Example: ‘I am not likeable’. You will most likely find that there is very little evidence that no one likes you. Example: ‘Actually, I am funny. My friend recently told me that I am a good listener’.

It is always good to explore whether your actions might play a role in why your social life does not go as planned. If you want others to include you in activities, ask yourself whether you clearly convey your desire to join. You can communicate this verbally but remember your facial expressions, body language and behaviours also play an important role.

Tip: first, it can be helpful to learn more about your non-verbal communication skills and practice them. Sometimes it is also worth just asking people why they did not invite you. Alternatively, the next time you hear about a lunch at work, or an event you want to go to, try asking whether you can join. Whilst this might seem scary at first, it often helps to resolve these situations quickly. 

It is also possible that your existing relationships just don’t provide the support and connectedness you need. People change over time and so do their interests, views and values. You might find that you have less in common with someone than you used to or that one or both of you simply lack the time to invest into your friendship. Whilst this can be difficult to accept, consider forming new friendships.

Tip: think about whether your relationship makes you a) feel good about yourself, b) feel supported and c) feel safe. If you reply with no to all of these, it might be worth talking to someone else about this particular relationship.